I need some salt and tequila!

The saying is "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade".  I've also heard "throw them at people" but my favorite is "ask for salt and tequila".

I'm trying to remember what my answer was when I was asked "how do you see your life at 30?"  Well, I'm over 30 now, so let me tell you what my answer would have been when I was 15... "A college graduate, wife and mother"  High hopes? No.  Realistic? Totally.  My life? Not.at.all.  At the age of 18, I made a life decision that sometimes haunts me.  I don't want to call it a regret because my life wouldn't be what it is now.  Sure, I think my life could be better, I have a feeling that something is missing, but overall, my life is great.  So it's not a regret, just a life decision that changed the path I was headed on.  Of course, I always wonder what if I made the other choice and I know that things would be 100% different, but how different would they really be?  So here I am, 34 years old, and out of the three things I thought I would be, I'm only one - a wife.  I'm not complaining, ok maybe just a little bit.  But I have every right.  I mean, I'm on my way to becoming a college graduate, just not one with a fancy university degree.  I'm okay with that because honestly, I hate school and the fact that I'm still going and trying to better myself with an education is a feat all in its own.

My biggest complaint is that I'm not a mother.  I can't place blame on anyone but myself.  Why have I let so many years go by without making myself better, making it so that we both want it?  Why is it so hard for him to say he wants the same thing, without changing his mind every other minute?!  I honestly can't tell you that we will ever be parents, together.  I don't see it in my future.  I try to, but maybe it's because of the convo today, I just don't see it ever happening.  I am so tired of hearing "it will happen" or "it's just not your time" or "you'll figure it out".  I'm also tired of the constant family pressure "when are we going to have grandkids" "don't you want kids" "you're not getting any younger" oh my favorite "don't you love him enough to give him a child?" HA like it's ME who fertilizes the egg.  Puhleeze  I would love to just let it all out right here on this blog.  One main reason why we haven't gotten knocked up like everyone else drinking the Oxnard and Ventura water.  Has absolutely nothing to do with ME.  But out of respect, I'll keep that to myself (and the few that are "lucky" enough to know the "real" reason).

Tonight, we had a brief convo about the future and children.  Personally, I don't want someone else to raise my child/ren.  I have absolutely no issue with anyone who chooses to put their child/ren in daycare, to each their own.  But I don't want that life.  I want to be the one experiencing every single thing he/she does.  I know that's not realistic in today's economy.  Maybe 20 years ago but definitely not now.  As a child of divorce, I was fortunate to have my aunt and grandmother as my strong mother figures in my early years. I would love to be just like my aunt but I am nothing like her.  Except for the nagging ;)  Ideally, she would be the one I would have raise my child if I had to work.  But she's 3,000 miles across the way and I don't see either of us moving close.

So, tonight I have been tasked with finding out the following before the child discussion continues:
1) How much time do I get with my newborn?  Why in the hell is this information so damn hard to find?!?!  I want to know what the maternity leave is, do I have to use my accrued sick and vacation balances first, and when do I use FMLA?  Do I only get 6 weeks paid and then 12 weeks unpaid FMLA?  WHO KNOWS THIS?  And why don't I know it?!?!
2) Can I take a year off from work and still have my job? I'm pretty sure the answer is no but it could be possible.  I'd have to check with my supervisors, program manager and human resources department.  Who wouldn't love to take a year off and have a job to go back to? Well, I would love to take more than a year but beggars can't be choosers ...
3) How does the insurance work? My insurance coverage is better than his so of course, I would have to stay employed.  But if I'm not working, how does that work?  I mean, COBRA is an expensive bitch!
4) Can we afford to live off one paycheck? I think we can do it, especially since both cars are paid off, we have no debt (other than the condo) and we've been known to give up life's little luxuries (cable, movies, games, that kinda crap).

As you can see, I have quite a few things to work on before we can keep going with our discussion, which I think is bogus.

There's never a "right time" to become a parent but what happens when time never comes?  What happens when that door that was slightly opened becomes locked with no key? 

Seriously, I need some salt and tequila!