Untitled

Today is fourteen days since the d&c and it doesn't feel like it has been that long or that short of a time.
I met with a counselor/therapist today and honestly, feel worse than when I got there.  I wanted to talk about the loss, the current issues/thoughts and to get on the path of feeling better and stronger.  Instead, we spent about 20 minutes talking about my fucked up parental situation (divorced parents, stepfamilies, a mother who basically abandoned me, etc) and that just drudges up crap I don't want or care to discuss right now.  I guess it makes sense she would need to know some background but I don't see how that situation will help me with this situation.

Friday night I got slapped in the face (not literally) by Facebook.  One of my cousins posted her ultrasound picture.  Her due date is Oct 31, ten days after mine; her u/s was taken 4/2 at 9:33, same as mine.  Why does her baby get to live and mine didn't?  She already has one!!  That's so selfish, right?  I mean why should I not be happy that she's growing a life?

I am so sick and tired of hearing this is "God's plan" and it will happen again.  Please, KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF!  No, I seriously doubt this is "His plan".  I highly doubt God said "let's give her a baby for a couple of months and then take it away".  Why would He inflict so much pain and sorrow, what kind of God does that?!

Dan is concerned about my emotional/mental state.  He's afraid that it will break me and I don't want him to fear that.  He said "this is the second baby you've lost" but really, it's not.  And I told him that.  I said maybe God decided that since I terminated the first pregnancy, I didn't deserve this one.  Stupid, probably.  How I feel, most of the time.

I'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about this or saying "I'm ok physically" when asked "how are you?"  Well don't ask me if you don't want to know.  I'm grieving a loss of my child, my future, my dreams, hopes ... Not a puppy, not a lost baseball game, not a piece of jewelry.  I'm not going to "suck it up" and "move on" because I can't.  Not right now.  And I shouldn't have to.  Ever.