I always giggle at that saying.
We're both in a state of denial, I'm sure that's normal. I woke up this morning, pretty sure it was just a bad dream that I was having a hard time shaking. Then I realized today was Tuesday and I cried. I've been crying so much my chest hurts. And I'm not a pretty crier. I get all psycho and snotty LOL
I've been all over the internet, trying to find a small glimmer of hope. I've been looking up "no heartbeat or growth at 11 weeks" and "find out gender after d&c" - yeah, talk about torturing myself!
It's very sad to read how many women experience a loss, not to mention those who experience multiple losses. Some of the stories have been false sense of hope for me so I have closed those windows. I can't keep thinking about it because honestly, in my heart, I feel this baby has passed on.
Dan wants to get our ultrasound pictures, I'm not sure I want them. He also wants to know if we can find out the gender, do we really want to? Will that provide closure? I'm just not sure. Maybe with my age (young ol 34 1/2) they would want to some genetic testing but since it's only my first loss, maybe not. I don't know who to ask - the doctor or the nurse.
I've made the decision not to let my body do this naturally. Well, for one thing there is no guarantee that my body WILL do it because it never does anything it should anyway. But the more I think about it, the more I know that I do NOT want to experience the cramping and the bleeding. Besides the fact there is no guarantee when it will happen. So I will proceed with the D&C Wednesday morning. I feel it's better that way; a real sense of closure as they will clear everything out. I hope.
My heart hurts. A lot. I look at Dan and want to cry. He is sad, heartbroken. Going through his daily routine with an emptiness in his eyes. I can't help but feel bad. I know it's nothing I did but I can't stop feeling that way.
Will we try again? I think so. I would like to. But how do you try again, knowing the first time didn't work?
1 comment:
I've felt all those things right along beside you. I asked how long the baby had survived and they said they couldn't tell by the ultrasound. The DNC was easy. It's like going to sleep and waking up with a period. Your heart will hurt for a long time and I still feel like somehow I'm responsible for the miscarriage 4 months later. If you ever want to talk, know I am here for you. xoox
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