I honestly have no idea how women can do this for months, even years. They must have wonderful, supportive, loving, and communicating husbands. Not me though. I mean, yes, he's wonderful and loving and supportive (at times) but when it comes to communicating, he sucks!
Not until he is getting dressed for work does he tell me I blew it last night. Shut the front door! Me?!? How is this MY doing? Because I didn't take advantage of the fact we had like an hour. Well, I'm sorry but I was still feeling the emotional blow from the night before and he hadn't even apologized for making me feel like he didn't want this.
As we're laying in bed, I said "How do you expect me to get pregnant if we're not having sex? Am I the freaking Virgin Mary?" Then I told him he hurt my feelings and he said he didn't mean to (still not an apology) but I was expecting too much in such a short time. Yeah well welcome to the world of planning conception buddy!! We did talk a little bit and I feel a little bit better today, but I'm still not 100% convinced we're on the same page. I would love for him to talk to me a little more about what he's thinking or feeling. Instead, I'm having to come here and blog about my feelings and what I'm thinking because he doesn't want me to stress him out. How is that fair? Aren't we partners, in this together?
He did mention his concern about my being on Clomid and having just a few cycles of it. He has this crazy idea that Clomid is going to end up in twins. Secretly, I wouldn't mind but I know the chances are slim. He also said he wasn't prepared for me to be throwing him into this so quickly. Well, I'm pretty sure being together 16 years is NOT throwing this quickly. I've always wanted children, with him. He knows this.
My biggest fear is that we'll go through the next two Clomid cycles and still not end up pregnant, being forced to see specialists and he won't agree. That's something we haven't discussed yet. The thought of having to see a specialist scares the shit out of me! I'm not ready for that step.
Pretty sure this cycle is a bust, and unless taking Clomid on CD5-9 makes me O later, timing just isn't with us. I'm not going to take Clomid and not have sex, that's just a waste! I mean, really why ovulate unless I'm planning on fertilization?!?!
Looks like a break may be in my immediate future :(
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