Sadness

My heart and mind are full of sadness.  I try to put on a smile and a brave face for Dan, he doesn't need to see how much I hurt.  Last night, for the first time I saw just how much he hurts.  As he headed out the door, he said his heart hurt.  I know mine does, I guess I didn't expect his to. 

I'm sick of hearing that this is God's way of saving us from a life that would not have been healthy or normal.  Sure, having a healthy child is everyone's ultimate goal but wouldn't wish a loss to make that happen.  Natural selection I hear.  Or "It's just a good time for you to get healthy now".  Really?  Who says that?  Why take away from what happened - we lost our child.  A baby that we never got to see or hear.  Why do I want to focus on "getting healthy" when I need to grieve that loss?!

I haven't been much for socializing this week.  I just don't know what to say or want to say anything.  I'm not looking forward to having to talk about what happened or how I feel.  I sure as hell don't want people hugging me and telling me how sorry they are.  I appreciate that people are sad for us, I really do.  But don't go out of your way to show me because that just makes me cry and I don't want to cry.  I want to smile and be happy and look toward the future.

I just made a purchase of a memorial locket. The outside is stamped with hearts and the stone will be rose, for the month of October (the baby's due date).  I hope that this will help with my sadness.