I don't remember reading this in any book!

I'm a mess right now.  I have so many thoughts racing through my brain and with the little sleep I'm getting, I'm probably driving myself crazy!  And this post will probably be all over the place because that's where my mind is.

I can't help but feel like I'm doing things wrong.  E will be 8 weeks old in a couple of days and I feel like I haven't been doing enough for him.  Am I talking to him enough, giving him enough stimulation?  I don't bathe him daily, am I supposed to?  How often should he be out of his RnP and in my arms, because honestly, I'm most content when I'm holding him.  And I don't want to be the mom that makes her child inconsolable unless he's in my arms.

Right now, my two biggest concerns are his hearing and his eating.  Last week, he went with me and my dad to see Oblivion and he slept through everything, never flinching at a sound.  He only fussed once and that was because he was hungry.  He slept on my chest through the entire movie.  Lately, I talk to him and he doesn't look at me.  He used to turn towards me when I would speak but now, he continues looking everywhere else.  Maybe it's because I'm with him 24/7 and he already knows me?  I don't know.  But he doesn't flinch when there's a loud noise outside.  I would think he could hear the loud muffler on the motorcycle or the blaring police/fire sirens, right?  As for his eating, up until he was a month old he was eating 2 ounces every 2-3 hours.  Then we upped his intake to 3 ounces, sometimes 4.  Still every 2-3 hours.  He would wake up, be changed, eat and then go back to sleep.  That was the pattern for the longest time.  I don't know if he's in a growth spurt but the last two nights he is barely sleeping 2 hour stretches and he's only taking in 1-2 ounces at a feeding, which is lasting over 30 minutes because he falls asleep at the bottle!  He's primarily formula fed, with maybe 4 ounces of breast milk a day.  I failed at breast feeding :(

I love this little boy more than my own life itself.  I will do anything, and everything, to make sure he thrives.  I just can't help but feel like I'm not doing anything right.

I have yet to let D take him from me.  I mean, he gets Daddy time on the weekends and I get to sleep through a feeding - which I am grateful for!! - but during the week, he's more like a visitor than a father.  And that is NOT his choice, it's his work schedule.  D is a great father, so caring and peaceful, but he doesn't do things like I do and that drives me nuts!  We aren't in any routine because I do it my way, he does it his.  Like feeding E - I make a 4 ounce bottle, knowing there is a possibility of wasting 2 ounces whereas D makes a 2 ounce bottle, then 1 ounce as he thinks the baby needs it UGH  The controlling freak in me doesn't want to give up any part of parenting but I know I need to, D needs to bond with E and I have to let go a little bit.

Another thing on my mind - money and work.  I have no savings (it's all for E) so I have to be very frugal and not spend like I normally do.  HARD lol  My organization doesn't pay into disability so I don't qualify for money from the state.  Instead, I had to pay for my own disability policy and of course, for some unknown reason, I took my sweet ass time getting the paperwork in to get the payments rolling.  I am taking the entire 12 weeks that I am allowed through FMLA - unpaid but the company pays for my insurance benefits - and that began Thursday, February 28.  I received a normal paycheck for the month of March because I had over a month of sick time.  I have no idea what April will look like and that scares me.  I don't want to go back to work - not because I hate what I do, I love my job and the people I work with.  I just don't want to leave E with someone else.  Even though I adore N and feel extremely comfortable with her.  I just always ALWAYS always wanted to be the one to raise my child.  I go back June 3 - mainly because I can't afford to be out longer than the 12 weeks FMLA allows because of insurance.  My disability policy should cover 50% up to 100 days minus however many I've already taken as sick pay.  BUT I wouldn't be able to cover the cost of my monthly insurance premium and a monthly car payment.  UGH

I hate that my time with E is almost over.  I try so hard not to dwell on going back to work and try to live day by day but they just pass so quickly now.  I'm in desperate need of a massage, pedicure, eyebrow wax, facial, hair cut - but I don't want to take the time away from him.  I wish he could go to work with me.  That would make going to work bearable, although probably not very productive!

I cried a little this morning.  I was feeding him and singing You are my sunshine, like I do every feeding, and I just couldn't hold back.  In fact, I'm starting to tear up right now.  I need to sleep, they say sleep when he sleeps, but then I can't get anything done - not like I do anyway.

I'm an emotional wreck, just trying to hold everything together.  I put on a smile and say everything is fine, we are great, I feel wonderful, he's perfect - lies for the most part.  He is perfect, we are fine.  I'm a mess.  I feel like shit.

I don't want to be supermom, I'm not expecting to be perfect.  I just want to be a good mother.