Failing as a mother?

I am in the middle of a very emotional breakdown so pardon the craziness that will be this post.

Today at 2 pm we met with Dr. C and when he came into the exam room he said that he had talked to Dr. A.  He then asked me how I felt, as he was reading through my chart and the notes.  I said I was concerned because of what they had said and didn't give me any feedback on how to make him grow.  He continued reading and then asked me what I meant.  I told him that they said the baby only gained 3 ounces but nothing else was said except that we might look into 38 weeks instead of 39.  Dr. C said that was what Dr. A told him.  He did find E's heartbeat and it sounded beautiful.  He measured the belly and I guess it's ok, he didn't say anything.  He did ask me how I felt about the baby's movements and I said I haven't been feeling him as much.  So with that he called the hospital and asked to send me over right away for a NST.  I heard him on the phone and his words were "she's a class b diabetic with IUGR" and blah blah blah.  IUGR is intrauterine growth restriction and if you Google it, you get a lot of bad news :(  Apparently some moms have lost babies in utero or shortly after birth.  But then there are some moms that have had small babies that are perfectly healthy.  I hate that I can't know for sure what is going on with our little man.

Honestly, right now I feel like a huge failure.  I feel like if I would have taken my diabetes diagnosis serious and really fought to get healthy, I wouldn't have this issue right now.  I feel like I've failed not only myself and D but now our sweet innocent little boy.

Losing a baby at 10 weeks was hard.  I can't even imagine, nor do I even want to but can't help it!, what it would be like to carry him all this way, only to have it end tragically.

My biggest fear is that I will not have my baby to bring home.  I can't help but think of the what ifs and all the negatives.  I want so desperately to push it all of my head, especially since the doctors have not shown me any indication that the baby is in grave danger.  If he was, I wouldn't be sitting in my recliner at 10:40 pm writing this blog.  I'd be in the hospital, either being monitored or having this baby.  Silver lining?

My heart hurts.  I feel like I don't deserve to be a mom since I obviously couldn't bring him into this world safely.