Yesterday was the estimated due date of Baby R #1. I didn't think much of the date yesterday until I was alone in my thoughts. So weird that I am sitting here, with #2 growing and I'm wondering about #1. Will it always be this way? Will #2 ever feel like #1?
A part of me hates that I'm so torn up by the loss. I can't really explain why I feel this way, it's not like I'm not pregnant now. Perhaps because I wanted a baby for so long and to have it taken away with no explanation is just haunting me.
I feel selfish for not being able to to enjoy the time right now. I feel like a bad mom, not caring for the baby right now. I feel like it is my fault, even though I have no idea what I could have done differently.
Not a day goes by that I don't think something might be wrong. I hate that my pregnancy is shadowed by a dark cloud. No one should ever have to deal with that but sadly, many do. It's a dark hand on my heart that I wish would go away.
Today, I am 19 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Almost to the halfway point. Still scared shitless that at the next appointment I'll be told something negative. I want to relax and enjoy the ride.
1 comment:
Relax. It's the best for you and your baby. But? It's ok to grieve. I can't imagine how hard it would be losing your first child. I have a good feeling about this one, though, so hang in there. Love!!!!
Post a Comment